Mum lives in a small town near me and we both moved out to the bush from the city at around the same time. She's nearly 80 and has had pneumonia twice so when the pandemic was finally declared by the Australian government, I went into action overload.
'Just to let you know Mum,' I texted her, 'I'm happy to support you and do shopping and things for you.' Her reply was bemused. It went along the lines of 'Thanks! That's a lovely offer. I'll think about it.'
When I rang her the next day, she was still in the city, having lunch with one of her mates. I could feel my anxiety ratchet up to eleven when I rang her. 'Mum, please come home. I'll do the shopping for you.' I paused and she paused. Then I said 'Personally, I don't think it's a good time for anyone to be moving around the country right now. I think you should come home Mum.' She said, 'This has been a profound conversation, Sarah.'
Not long after that, days maybe, the state government shut the borders and most of us were prevented from entering the southern city. Whenever I went shopping with my Mum's list on my phone, I'd sanitise my hands on entry and then follow the arrows through the tiny supermarket, scrolling on my phone that I'd scrolled through previous to washing my hands. How does that work?
I'd come back to Mum's house with her box full of groceries, drop the box in her sun room and wave at my Mum standing in the kitchen. 'I'm not coming in!' I'd say. 'I've just been to the supermarket.'
She'd clean down all the packets with sanitiser and put it away into her fridge. When it became dusk, she would collect the neighbour's dog and take him for a walk, 'when there were less people on the streets.'
Recently, she told me of her loneliness during that period. How I wouldn't hug her. Of having to walk a dog after dark. Of me dropping vegetables and dried food into her sun room and waving goodbye to her through the window.
I wonder now if I'd been too hardcore towards my Mum. During that time when none of us knew anything about the virus and we were all so afraid, I totally locked Mum down. Looking back, I feel terrible that I inflicted that on her and yet at the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. Was I punishing her for being aged? How would I like to be treated, in the same circumstance?
Thoughts about this please? In the past I've gone into action when it comes to organising funerals or dealing with suicides, but I've never (as I'm sure none of you have either) had to help Elders during a pandemic. How did you go with this one?
I think you did the right thing and she must know that you were only thinking about her. What I hate to hear about is children ignoring the advice, going out with friends and then coming home to parents and grandparents. That is just selfish.
ReplyDeleteAnecdotally, there have been a few firm conversations with recalcitrant boomers around here.
DeleteThis is a conundrum for sure and I don't have a definitive answer. Given the craziness and lack of information at the time, I definitely think you did the right thing. (Always go back to the Buddhist's idea of 'intention' - I think it helps). We responded quite drastically at the time too and I think now I may have over-reacted. Dealing with issues like this are what makes this 'virus crisis' so bloody complicated. Having said that I'm now going to give you an alternate view.
ReplyDeleteI'm studying Cert IV in Mental Health atm and as potential 'carers' we have been addessing the issue of 'Duty of Care' vs 'Dignity of Risk'. I must admit, having been a psych. nurse in the early 1980s when things were very different, their version of 'best practice' surprised me. Current practices prioritise dignity of risk, that is, the person has the right to make choices and learn from 'mistakes'. It gets complicated when they start talking about 'exceptions' to the rule, which include 'risk of death or suicide and lack of mental capacity to make decisions'. But basically - if in doubt - respect dignity of risk.
I had some interesting chats with my own mother at the time WA was in lockdown. She was bemoaning the fact that she couldn't go on her booked cruise and was keen to get on one as soon as she could. I was pretty gobsmacked - either she thinks she is immune or she is willing to take the risk. I had a better understanding later she said she was often lonely - she wasn't able to go out for coffee with friends and participate in her aqua-aerobics class, and family didn't want to endanger her by visiting. She was frustrated that what was left of her life was slipping away during a time she couldn't enjoy the last months/years of her life. I guess that put it in perspective for me. My mother is also 80 and has always been very independent. I have to respect her wish to take that risk with her life, no matter how I feel about it. It's tough if you fear losing your mother - but I would rather she died living her life the way she wanted than holed up in a hospice.
Absolutely and, like you, it's in hindsight that I understand. It has been a lonely time for the elders. Things like community bus trips, going to the pool, libraries and volunteering are often life lines for people who live alone.
DeleteAnd thanks Michelle. Your response is profound in that 'dignity of risk' statement.
DeleteThe things we do in the name of love are sometimes the most difficult.
ReplyDeleteFingers crossed we don't have to do it again.
DeleteYour intentions were good and I think you did the right thing. At the beginning of this horrible time we all didn't know for sure what to do. I think the WA government is to be commended for doing it's best to keep the people safe. I wish it was so here in NSW.
ReplyDeleteYes none of us knew what to do! My intentions were good but I think I projected a lot of my own anxieties onto Mum. I got so bossy that after the borders opened, my sisters were ringing me first to check if it was okay to visit!
DeleteI think I was, in short, insufferable. I was so stressed about the situation and became quite controlling. I was also frustrated at people (like Mum) whom I felt weren't taking the whole thing seriously.
ReplyDeleteBut I also believe that none of us took the value of community engagement seriously enough, once we'd lost it.
Wild horses wouldn't have kept me away from my mother nor she me.
ReplyDeleteNone of us knew in March/April how big, or bad, or fast this virus thing was going to move. I can identify with your zealous concern … with a new grandson born end of March and the first-time parents getting out of hospital as quickly as possible … staying isolated for weeks in fear of infecting *us* … me shopping for them … leaving at the door and skulking away … our not meeting or holding baby in his first few weeks. That’s not the way it’s meant to be … None of us had this pandemic thing-o scoped, and we all did the best we could for the best reasons, including you with your Mum. Be kind to yourself. Everyone’s OK, and probably getting the hell hugged out of them … including the Squirt :0
ReplyDeleteI think as soon as I realised how vulnerable Mum was in this situation, I went hard core. Always been a warrior woman. But, and this is a biggie, in retrospect I should have been more empathetic. That's what I was doing too, Julie. 'Leaving it at the door and skulking away'.
ReplyDeleteNot the way it's meant to be.